Not to Live

I asked you something March 26,2009
Thank you for answering it April 10,2009

Finally the way I was born to be

I guess i'm finally the way I was supposed to be
Alone and without him
I used to wake up every morning
Just to see him
I used to go to sleep every night
Because I knew I would dream of him

I believed him
Didn't he love me?
At some point in time?
I thought he loved me one hour before I read that.
One minute before.
It took one minute to ruin my life.
Maybe it took 3 years.
Maybe I shouldn't have met him.
But I did.
And I would go to sleep everynight.
And wake up every morning.
Just to see him

I have no hope.
I've given up on life.
On myself really.
I've given up on everything.

I used to feel beautiful.
I used to feel pretty.
I wouldn't need anyone to make me feel beautiful.
But when he told me that..
I realized that I only felt beautiful because I believed he thought that too.

I have nobody to talk too.
I mean I have my sister.
And leezi. And Sheepy.
But their love..i different.
Their love...isnt like his love could have been.

I know I say I dont care.
But I do.
Its all I think about.
I find myself replacing my everyday activities with thinking.
I replace necessities with my thoughts.
I dont eat.
I dont sleep.
I try. But I cant.
I slowly find myself getting sick.
But at least I have my friends.

One promise..........is keeping me here.

When I sleep...and I dream...I dream of him.
I dream of us marrying.
I dream of us ..being together.
Making plans. Talking.

The only time I can express my love is when I sleep.
And then I wake up.
I realized that promise is whats keeping me here.

Confusion.

I don't really know what i'm doing.
I'm not sure if I understand what i'm getting myself into.
All I know is that I like being around you.
If I could change today in any way, I wouldn't.
Because although I feel worn out, tired, and alone
I think about the times you kissed my face.....and guess what?

I smile.

To live or not to live.

One day I pray that we can be together.
Maybe then my soul will feel free.
Whenever I see you, I feel power inside of me.
I feel warm and fuzzy, the sun upon my face.
This brightness confuses me, but in this confusion I want to live.
I don't see anything. It's always dark wherever I am.
Darkness follows me. Wherever I go.
But not anymore. Even though sometimes I may see a few clouds, or a grizzly wet and rainy day,
I still smile to myself, because I know that this darkness will soon seep away.
Your my inspiration. The almost perfect me. You help me realize things that I would never see.
It hurts to see that your alone. But I've been alone too.
Alone for as long as I can remember.

One day I pray that we can be together.
Maybe then my heart will beat carelessly.
I would no longer sleep in fear, and speak to myself.
Because most of the time everyone is too busy for me.
I guess you give my life meaning, since I think of you on two occassions:

1. I think of you when my eyes are open.
2. I think of you when my eyes are closed.

One day I pray that we can be together.
Maybe then I won't ever hear her put me down.
She doesn't lower me to ground level, she has to bury me deep down.
Maybe then she'll think im good for something.
Maybe then she'll look at me and say that shes proud of me.
Or maybe she wont look my way at all.
It would be all ok. At least one day maybe, if im lucky, i'd have you.

This tingly feeling, I have.
This deep, chronic, sorrow I feel.
Everytime I say your name in my head, I know my depression is real.

I know it may be sad, while others wont understand, why everything I say must be kept inside of me.
I say your name in my head, because your safe there. If your safe in my head, i'm safe while im here.
My mother thinks i'll get over you. Once you tell me, I'm not worth your time.
She thinks, I'll forget you..even if you tell me you hate me.
I dont think i'll ever forget you. Partly cuz I guess I'll never want to.
I'll always be dreaming of you. Cuz those are the quick moments where I feel free.
Even if you don't show up. Even if I say I hate you.
I want you to know that, I dont mean a word, and that I sincerely love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you.
Love is such a strong word.
But not strong enough.
I can't think of a word to explain how I feel.
Because that word doesn't exist.
I hope one day we can be together.
So you can help me find the perfect word that fits.

After all, you are smarter.
Your stronger, and so much better.
My personality isnt so great people say.
I hurt them to much.
Like you hurt me.
But I take it, cuz you make me feel free. You make me smile. You make me laugh. You make me feel like im five, and nothing matters. You make me wish I was older, so nobody could tell me what I feel is wrong. You make me cautious. You make me wiser. You make me believe. Even when you dont believe yourself.
But i'll believe enough for the two of us.
I love you.

Where can I begin? When can I begin?
I guess I cant do it yet.
I wish I can tell you: How amazing you are. How strong, and brave you are. I'm not brave. I'm not strong, you make me weak. You make me feel cowardly. When im all alone and I think of you. I feel scared. Cuz I cant see your face. G-d I wish i can see your face. How I wish I can see you smile. You smiled today. I smiled cuz you smiled. But when you looked at my smile. I felt scared to smile. But I smiled. I kept on smiling. Because I know that the only time i'm allowed to smile is with you. I'm free. I cant smile in this house.

I pray that one day you and I can be together.
Maybe then I wont feel so suicidal.
Maybe then I wont be angry with g-d. Maybe then I wont be angry with myself.
Maybe then I have a new reason to wake.
For now, I guess I'll use this one.
i'll wait for you to give me a new reason.
To live or not to live.

Rock Bottom

I should have listened
When you told me to smoke weed
But I didn't listen to you
Because I was already high with greed

When they split
And I fell tumbling down
I drank 'till I buckled
'Till I saw you spinning around

He spilled the soda on my head
I reaked of orange drink
As I ran countless blocks
I didnt even stop to think

I may have not known you
But I saw you in my mind
You seemed so dream-like
Cuz you were so hard to find

There at "our" spot
Years before it was shared
I lay all alone
Dreaming of us as a pair

Of course, then I didn't know you
You seemed so infinatly far
But I saved myself from death
Thinking of you patching my scar

Nonetheless when I came home
And I witnessed World War III
I'd think "this would be cruel punishment"
If you would be with me

I started acting out
Attention is all I craved
But I got all the attention I needed
On the auditorium stage I graved

I didn't know what love was
I didn't have any friends
And that was because I was ugly
And didnt follow fashion trends

Now that im paranoid
Everything must be up to date
Cuz im afraid of losing you
Although its really up to fate

But when I made friends
She forced me to go away
All I could think of was death
And I'd never have someone look my way

As I gave up
And looked at the sky
I turned to see you
So I weeped and I cried

It all seemed perfect
But they had to ruin that part
I guess I depend on you
'Cuz I cant be apart

Now that I hit rock bottom
Slipping back to before
Today I felt glad
Because you forgave me once more

Idk

A really powerful post is gonna be written soon,
But i first need to put the words together

I dont know why I still love you

I dont know why I still love you
I dont know why I care about you
All I know is that I cant be without you
Why can't I let go of you?
Im not really sure
I cant get you out of my head
I dont know what to say to you.
To get you by my side
I dont know what to do, to make you happy
All i know is that I need you
To get me out of here