Vibe

Sometimes it seems as if im not here. I scream but nobody can hear me. I know many think...where the hell have i heard this crap before? It's as if i'm a broken record, or i'm reading the diaries of every teenage girl.

My head keeps spinning. I keep traveling back in time. I look back at my life, I thought I got far, when i realized that I ended up no where but here. All my life i've been laughing at people who couldnt figure out who they were...because I figured myself out a long time ago.

I havent figured myself out. They figured me out for me. I cant even tell myself whats right from wrong. I tell myself that whats right is wrong. Whats wrong is right. Opening a book and reading for pleasure is wrong. Opening a bottle is right. No i'm no alcoholic. The thought of being in love with the drink is proposterous to me. But in the night, when im alone. I hear them talk. All those I stepped on.

Like Kanye said "How can you be so Heartless?"

That's what people would tell me. I'm not heartless. I scream, I cry because my heart is causing me pain. I thought I lost my heart a long time ago. But every day he's teaching me profound lessons. I'm not heartless. No..god wont grant me my wish. I'll always have my heart. It's always returned. The heart. Not the love.

Its returned. Unopened. And stamped with the return address.

They dont know what ive been through.

But they are going to keep on hating me.

At night I hear my heart talk to me. The only thing, since it is not a person, that talks to me. I find myself asking my own heart....HOW CAN YOU BE SO HEARTLESS? How can you keep beating?

I feel as if im fading. He's so far from me. But my memories are close to me. I thought memories would keep me warm, I thought they would keep me company. But when its 5 A.M and i'm still awake...I find myself suffocating. My memories strangle me. Ravage me. The thought of his voice. The thought of their voices. All their voices, haunt me. His voice comfort me. But the thought of his voice...haunts me.

The only way out is through represssing. Frueds theories state that repressing is a way of the human mind for fighting, coaping.

I used to dream of him, I used to love seeing him in my dreams. He used to be in my fantasies. He used to be a part of my life. Now he's n my nightmares. Now he haunts me. Now he's no longer a part of my life. No matter how hard I try to pull him back into my small pathetic delusional life...he tugs harder. In the opposite direction. Maybe he loved me one day. But didnt they all at some point? He's no longer a part of my life, because he removed himself from my life.

He cut me out.
He cut the last vein that pumped.
He was supposed to help me vascularize.
He killed me.

Im throwing your own words back at you

"You did this to me"

And I want you to know, that theirs not point in competing with me. You should live..and live a happy life..because I won. No point in drugging yourself. I died first.

Things arent always set in stone. But this is.

Please Forgive Me. For my Love

Im scared to see your face again,

Scared of what you might say

But truley my nethermost fear,

Is that you shall walk away

I'm offering inordinate remorse,

I'm groveling on the ground

Please dont ever let me see,

You laugh and turn around

I'm trying to clean the blood,

hats seeping from your heart

I'm so sorry that my lies,

Tore our lives apart

I know you're no angel,

For you have battered me too

But I should have never reciprocated,

The same hurtful action as you

I dont know if its anger,

Or if its your finished with me

But dont step all over my heart,

Without you i cannot be

Today I saw my past,

Literally saunter right by

After it was gone,

I swore that with you i would try

The task is great

Yes my dear have I avowed,

To mend my broken heart,

Was never once allowed

That day I broke your heart,

Forget I shall never,

But neither shall I forget

That dreadful day I lost you forever

In the Desert

Lying in a desert

Shaded by your love

Secret scandalous lust

Granted from above

Watching as you approach,

Seductive glowing shimmer

Love will be performed

After the sky becomes dimmer

Whispering sweet words,

Craving your delicious ear

Declaring the sun is yours

As I believe you’re near

Envisioning your manly arms,

Tasting your masculine skin

Two bodies are one,

As you make me scream from within

Dancing with me slowly,

Kissing on the sand,

Taking me on a journey

Guiding me with your hand

Moving to the beat of our drum,

Making music all on our own

Loving every single moment

Screaming at a high pitched tone

Songs written on the horizon,

Poems of love in your eyes

Tainting your perfect back,

Arching mine as it dies

Sunrise purple mist,

Thrusting blows of blue

Rolling my eyes back,

As I quiver an “I love you”

Torturous unquenched thirst,

Insatiable trail of joyous tears

Lick my face and hold me tight,

Drain away my monstrous fears

Prancing infinite spinning circles,

As the Nile runs through my veins

Your moans galvanize my senses

Restricted from touching by chains

Silver clouds are left as witnesses,

Approval granted by the rain,

Leaks induced of indulging climax

Suburban innocent body just became urbane

The heat lies above us,

My heart glued back like a collage

But as you seemed to float off

I realized you were nothing but a beautiful mirage

Thinking of You

It's been so long since I have seen your face

I miss everything about you.

Perhaps it really is my fault. Perhaps I deserve all that I get.

I didnt mean to hurt you the way I did

I didnt mean to put you through all this pain

I'm so sorry my love. Im so sorry my dear,

If I could I would hold you tight, and tell you how much I love you

I DO LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY OWN SELF

I would die for you

I would bleed for you.

I would give everything for you.

If only you could forgive me.



Please forgive me

I cant live with myself

Stop doing all those drugs

Am I worth less that cocaine?

Maybe I cant please you the same way, the "pixy dust" can.

But i can please you in many other ways.

Cant you see how badly in love I am with you?

I cant think of nothing but you

I pray for you to come and take me away from this hell

I pray for you to lead me to salvation.

I think of nothing but you

I dream of you

The thought of you comforts me in my sleep.

I cant sleep without you

I cant live without you

I cant breathe without you

I beg of you to stop.
Please stop. Please stop hurting me, most importantly hurting yourself.
For once I wish I felt important. Im not important enough to you. Im nothing to you.
Choose your drugs over me, but dont choose the drugs over yourself.
Whats going to happen to your family if your gone?
What going to happen to me if your gone?
At night sometimes, I wake up from nightmares.
I see your beautiful face, covered in blood, or blue and cold because you overdosed.
Dont do that to me, Dont do that to yourself. Dont please. I love you.
Whats going to happen to me if your gone?
I'LL DIE WITH YOU.