To live or not to live.

One day I pray that we can be together.
Maybe then my soul will feel free.
Whenever I see you, I feel power inside of me.
I feel warm and fuzzy, the sun upon my face.
This brightness confuses me, but in this confusion I want to live.
I don't see anything. It's always dark wherever I am.
Darkness follows me. Wherever I go.
But not anymore. Even though sometimes I may see a few clouds, or a grizzly wet and rainy day,
I still smile to myself, because I know that this darkness will soon seep away.
Your my inspiration. The almost perfect me. You help me realize things that I would never see.
It hurts to see that your alone. But I've been alone too.
Alone for as long as I can remember.

One day I pray that we can be together.
Maybe then my heart will beat carelessly.
I would no longer sleep in fear, and speak to myself.
Because most of the time everyone is too busy for me.
I guess you give my life meaning, since I think of you on two occassions:

1. I think of you when my eyes are open.
2. I think of you when my eyes are closed.

One day I pray that we can be together.
Maybe then I won't ever hear her put me down.
She doesn't lower me to ground level, she has to bury me deep down.
Maybe then she'll think im good for something.
Maybe then she'll look at me and say that shes proud of me.
Or maybe she wont look my way at all.
It would be all ok. At least one day maybe, if im lucky, i'd have you.

This tingly feeling, I have.
This deep, chronic, sorrow I feel.
Everytime I say your name in my head, I know my depression is real.

I know it may be sad, while others wont understand, why everything I say must be kept inside of me.
I say your name in my head, because your safe there. If your safe in my head, i'm safe while im here.
My mother thinks i'll get over you. Once you tell me, I'm not worth your time.
She thinks, I'll forget you..even if you tell me you hate me.
I dont think i'll ever forget you. Partly cuz I guess I'll never want to.
I'll always be dreaming of you. Cuz those are the quick moments where I feel free.
Even if you don't show up. Even if I say I hate you.
I want you to know that, I dont mean a word, and that I sincerely love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you.
Love is such a strong word.
But not strong enough.
I can't think of a word to explain how I feel.
Because that word doesn't exist.
I hope one day we can be together.
So you can help me find the perfect word that fits.

After all, you are smarter.
Your stronger, and so much better.
My personality isnt so great people say.
I hurt them to much.
Like you hurt me.
But I take it, cuz you make me feel free. You make me smile. You make me laugh. You make me feel like im five, and nothing matters. You make me wish I was older, so nobody could tell me what I feel is wrong. You make me cautious. You make me wiser. You make me believe. Even when you dont believe yourself.
But i'll believe enough for the two of us.
I love you.

Where can I begin? When can I begin?
I guess I cant do it yet.
I wish I can tell you: How amazing you are. How strong, and brave you are. I'm not brave. I'm not strong, you make me weak. You make me feel cowardly. When im all alone and I think of you. I feel scared. Cuz I cant see your face. G-d I wish i can see your face. How I wish I can see you smile. You smiled today. I smiled cuz you smiled. But when you looked at my smile. I felt scared to smile. But I smiled. I kept on smiling. Because I know that the only time i'm allowed to smile is with you. I'm free. I cant smile in this house.

I pray that one day you and I can be together.
Maybe then I wont feel so suicidal.
Maybe then I wont be angry with g-d. Maybe then I wont be angry with myself.
Maybe then I have a new reason to wake.
For now, I guess I'll use this one.
i'll wait for you to give me a new reason.
To live or not to live.