On a Rainy Feb Day

I guess, I miss you the most. Most days I learn to deal with it. I learned to just mute out what they say to me, good and the bad. But it's never good, they always take back any nice thing they say by scorning me and pointing out all of my flaws. Remember you used to tell me I was perfect? Ya, I guess..maybe I really was back then, mostly because I tried to be, for you and for me. Most days I learn to deal with it, mute them out, mute the world out, but sometimes their words penetrate my strongest barriers, seeping into my ears like taboo cuss words, embedding themselves unconsciously in my mind. Only these thoughts are slowly starting to progress out of my deep conscious, and into the network of my conscious mind, interrupting my thoughts, intruding on and destroying my sanity. Remember you used to tell me I was crazy? With all my "cute" little motions and facial expressions and what not? I am a little crazy. Crazy with no friends or you to run too. I mean of course I have my best friend =] but my best friend is always busy...and wont be available for the next 3 weeks. I cried and wandered out into the cold, I had it all figured out, I would call you, you would come get me, make me tea, we would sit on the couch a little bit to catch up, then you would hug me, and I would tell you how hard it is for me to be alone, without anyone around to comfort me, to move my hair out of my face when I cry, to hold me together when I'm breaking into a million pieces. And then you would hold me, forever. Or, what would seem like forever. You could have watched TV while I slept near you under a blanket, or you could have slept with me. It would have been perfect. Only it can't be, because I didn't call, and won't call. My knees felt like they were giving out, so I turned around and head home. I ran into my bedroom, jumped into my bed and kept staring out the dark window. I felt warm, joyous randomly, because I remembered the time I was joking of throwing myself out the window, and I scared you. Wow! The look on your worried face was so funny. But then the voices kicked in, the ones that I tried to mute. And now I want to jump. But I want to kiss you, g-d such confusing feelings accumulating all at once. Would you even notice?
Here is a question for you: If a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound?

No. Not if nobody is there to hear it fall. Did that tree even exist?